Today is Inane Answering Machine Day—what better excuse is there to be as idiotic as humanly possible on your (or someone else’s) voicemail? And do I need an excuse; I’m one of those people who is constantly stammering, “Ummm”-ing, or otherwise making an idiot of myself on my voicemail messages. I’ve taken to simply not leaving a message, much to the irritation of many; but today is a day for people like me to celebrate and leave the most horrible messages possible.

Need some ideas to kick off your weekend of vague voicemail or mumbled machine madness? Here are some ways you might want to celebrate:

Channel Your Favorite Idiot. Whether it’s your school guidance counselor (“Mmmkay, Mr. Mackey.”), a favorite (or least favorite?) actor, or simply Elmer Fudd, leave your message in his or her voice.

Sing Your Message Like a Moron. Remember when, in whichever of his cookie cutter movies it was, Adam Sandler used a Van Halen song on his answering machine? Yeah, do that—only don’t bother with the actual musician’s recording. We all know that you do a much better version of “Keep Bleeding” than Leona Lewis, and that your ex will love it as he listens to the twelve different recordings of it you performed on his voicemail.

Be as Obnoxious as Possible. Breathe into the phone. Loudly. Leave long pauses that indicate you’re finished, then keep going—and if you’re cut off, call back and leave the rest of your message. For your own voicemail, do the highly annoying trend of leaving a message that sounds like you’re actually answering the phone: “Hello. (Pause.) Got you, didn’t I! I’m not really home, so…”

Scream any Robin Williams quote you can think of. Use your message as a soapbox (I once had our outgoing message as something like, “Leave a message at the beep. Oh, and don’t forget to vote out the lying, thieving, election-stealing, sexist bigots this November!”). Or use one of those pre-recorded messages with some crappy song that nobody likes and play it in the background as you record yourself trying to sound sexy and not-lame.

Leave Your Message in Another Language. A made up language is preferable, but anything that the recipient is sure to not understand will work. Bonus points if you can mix several languages together.

Leave it to the Kids or the Dog. Say, “Mr. Wiggles wants to say hello!” Then record your pet yapping for three minutes. Alternatively, have your child talk about his imaginary friend or latest bowel movement.